SCOOTER’S EXTENDED FAMILY – by Donald Kaul 

The way the deal went down, according to usually reliable informants, if you get my meaning, is this:

When the caper started---the going to the mattresses with the Mustache Pete way out East---Chainsaw Dick calls in the Scooter man, his top earner, and tells him to go out and sell the operation. It’s important, he says. The future of the Family depends on it.

So ol’ Scooter, he starts selling and does a heckuva job, on account of people trust him so much. Hey, you seen the guy. Would Scooter lie?

He does such a good job that even “The New York Times” is in bed with us, you believe that?

So when the caper begins to go sour (which is because not enough muscle was assigned to the project, in my opinion) the vultures, including “The New York Times,” begin jumping all over the Boss. Even Chainsaw Dick starts to get heat. Shoulda done this, Shoulda done that; woulda, coulda, shoulda.

They even got the nerve to accuse the Boss of lying about a few minor details, like he’s supposed to know everything about everything.

This makes Chainsaw mad---you know how he is---so he sends his crew out to take care of the bozos who are all the time criticizing, including one bozo’s wife who is a blonde I would not turn away from my door in a snowstorm, if you know what I mean. We ain’t talking about sleeping with no fishes here, just a little character assassination, teach 'em a lesson.

Naturally, Scooter being Scooter, he is the point man on this and, like always, he does a heckuva job. When all of a sudden the linguini hits the fan and before you know it Scooter---the Chainsaw’s right-hand guy---is in front of a grand jury, looking at criminal charges. For messing with a reputation! What they think this is, beanbag?

Anyway, this all makes people back at the Ba-Da-Bing on Pennsylvania Avenue a little nervous. There is talk, even, of bringing Crazy Boy Liddy out of retirement to whack the Scooter. The Chainsaw says no. The Scooter is a standup guy, he says, and will not rat us out. In effect, he vouches for him, so what ya gonna do?

But pretty soon, the Scooter man is indicted and his mouthpieces are talking about calling Chainsaw as a witness. In court. I mean can you imagine the Chainsaw up there on the witness stand taking the Fifth? It would be undignified.

So now the Boss’s capi are really nervous. Are you sure Scooter is not going to rat us out, they keep asking.

Chainsaw, he just gives them that look, you know the one. “I’ll have someone talk to Scooter’s lawyers,” he says. “I will make them an offer they can’t refuse.” Discussion over.

And pretty soon, what do you know, you don’t hear nothing more about the Chainsaw man being called to testify.

So they have their little trial and Scooter, he can’t remember anything, and the jury, which it turns out we can’t get to, says “guilty” and the judge, who apparently never wants to be on the Supreme Court, drops 30 small on our friend Scooter.

This, we all agree, is a bad situation. It’s one thing to be a standup guy when you’re out on bail; it’s another when you’re in the joint (although I have to admit, some of the fed joints aren’t so bad. I learned to play checkers in one of ’em.)

However, just as Scooter is about to go inside the Boss steps in and commutes his sentence, which I didn’t even know he could do unless he had a good reason.

So Scooter walks, his bills get paid by a person or persons unknown and Halliburton or some outfit like that gets a new executive.

Is that a happy ending or what?

Like I always said, it pays to have Family values.

Don Kaul is a two-time Pulitzer Prize-losing Washington correspondent who, by his own account, is right more than he's wrong.