ZOMBIE DAY .... PART 2.... MORE COFFEE
HUMORA woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the dentist's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."
The man asks, "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."
The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to grip onto while I pull your tooth!"
What does a dentist do on a roller coaster?...He braces himself
What did the dentist see at the North Pole?...A molar bear
What was the dentist doing in Panama?...Looking for the Root Canal
Where does the dentist get his gas?...At the filling station
Mother: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
Son: I don't know, the dentist kept it!
"I came in to make an appointment with the dentist." said the man to the receptionist.
"I'm sorry sir." she replied. "He's out right now, but..."
"Thank you." interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient.
…."When will he be out again?"
" Patient: Doctor, I am very nervous. You know, this is my first extraction.
Young dentist: Don’t worry, it's my first extraction too.
Patient to Dentist: "How much to get my teeth straightened?"
"Twenty thousand bucks" Patient heads for the door.
Dentist to patient: "Where are you going?"
"To a plastic surgeon to get my mouth bent."
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $200
Patient: $200 for just a few minutes work???
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie.
KIDS SAY TRUTH TO POWER
HUMORTHANKS JULIE
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
"I've lost my grandpa!"
"Crown Royal whiskey.... and women with big tits."
HOPE FOR '08
HUMORColbert announces presidential pursuit
Stephen Colbert announced his candidacy for president on "The Colbert Report," tossing his satirical hat into the ring of an already crowded race.
"I shall seek the office of the President of the United States," announced Colbert on his Comedy Central show Tuesday, as red, white and blue balloons fell around him.
Colbert had recently satirized the coyness of would-be presidential candidates by refusing to disclose whether he would seek the country's highest office -- a refusal that often came without any prompting.
Shortly before making the announcement, Colbert appeared on "The Daily Show" (the show which spawned Colbert's spin-off) and played cagy, claiming he was only ready to consider a White House bid. He entered the studio set pulled by a bicycle pedaled by Uncle Sam and quickly pulled out a bale of hay and a bottle of beer to show that he was "an Average Joe."
Colbert said his final decision would be announced on a "more prestigious show," which turned out to be his own.
"After nearly 15 minutes of soul-searching, I have heard the call," said Colbert.
His recent best-seller, "I Am American (And So Can You!)" allowed him to mock the now-standard approach to a White House run, complete with a high-profile book tour.
Colbert said he planned to run in South Carolina, "and South Carolina alone." The state, one of the key early primaries, is also Colbert's native state. Earlier this week, South Carolina public television station ETV invited Colbert to announce his candidacy on its air.
Exactly how far the mock conservative pundit planned to stretch his impression of a presidential candidate wasn't clear. Colbert rarely breaks character on camera, including at his memorable speech at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner last year.
The Comedy Central host has often mobilized his fans ("Colbert Nation"), encouraging them to vote to have a Hungarian bridge named after him, for example, or to vandalize Wikipedia.com with his version of "truthiness" and "wikiality."
The comedian said he would run as both a Democrat and Republican. He earlier explained the strategy: "I can lose twice." He claimed three running mate possibilities: Colbert-Huckabee, Colbert-Putin or Colbert-Colbert.
Minutes after announcing his presidential pursuit, Colbert welcomed CBS political analyst Jeff Greenfield to ask how he had changed the race.
"This is going to be one for the books," said Greenfield.
A spokesman for Colbert said he would be unavailable for further comment Tuesday evening.
In a guest column for Maureen Dowd in Sunday's New York Times, Colbert wrote: "I am not ready to announce yet -- even though it's clear that the voters are desperate for a white, male, middle-aged, Jesus-trumpeting alternative."
OKIE WISDOM
HUMOR- Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
- Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
- There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- Always drink upstream from the herd.
- If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
- There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest of us have to pee on the electric fence and find out for ourselves.
- Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
JULIE STRIKES AGAIN
HUMOREditor's note: I removed all reference to cats, as I'm prejudice that way. Dogs RULE. Cats puke fur. HA!
MEMO TO: ALL DOGS
Dear Dogs,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible, I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...
Rules for Non-Dog Owners Who visit and Like to Complain about Our Dogs:
They live here. You don't.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
JULIE'S LIST
HUMOR
1.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, EVER, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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