A History Lesson!
THE FORWARD FILE
MR. TEE VS. RANGER WALKER
THE FORWARD FILERanger Walker Facts...!
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a Delta Force marathon on Satellite TV.
Chuck is so damned hard, kids roller skate on him. (Tracy)
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Mr. T. Facts...!Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.
Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you fool."
When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.
The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.
Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.
Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.
Children are afraid of the dark. Dark is afraid of Mr. T.
Mr. T and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they traveled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.
Mr. T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr. T in the chest. The result was the 80's.
Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.
Mr. T's chains are not made of gold, they are actually made of curium, one of the heaviest elements in existence. They were put there by the CIA to slow him down, and you're lucky they do, fool.
Human females have two X-chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Mr. T has three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.
5 out of 5 doctors recommend not pissing off Mr. T.
When creating the alphabet, Mr. T placed the letters M, R, and T in separate areas so people could learn to read and spell without fear.
Mr. T is the reason the sky is blue. Don't ask stupid questions.
Mr. T once ate four 72-oz. steaks in 12 minutes. He spent the first 5 minutes laughing at the fact it takes Chuck Norris fifteen minutes to eat three.
Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.
Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.
23. That's the number of fools Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.
Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.
On the A-team, Face, Hannibal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr. T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.
Mr. T always drives on the right side of the road, no matter where he is in the world.
Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.
There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.
Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.
Mr. T does not actually pity fools. He is just being sarcastic. No one has noticed because it is difficult to pick up such subtleties while being bludgeoned.
Gravity doesn’t exist. Mr. T just pities everything to stay down. Birds and planes are exempt because they are shaped like Ts.
Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.
Mr. T once traveled back in time in a telephone booth similar to the one in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and killed every Jester and Joker in every King's court, because he pitied those fools.
Mr. T's Mohawk is so scared of Mr. T that it started running to his beard for help.
Mr. T's feather earrings are actually feathers from a foolish bird that he pitied.
When Mr. T poops, the earth quakes. (Tracy)
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Please play-along by adding your own as I did.
MR. T PITIES THE FOOL WHO DON'T PLAY-ALONG....HA!
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GET A MAN....
THE FORWARD FILE
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights.
You may choose any item from a particular floor,
or may choose to go up to the next floor,
but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
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To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited
YANKEE OR REBEL?
THE FORWARD FILEA short quiz, I scored 57%. I'm a heinz 57, sorta kinda.
http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/yankee_dixie_quiz.html
CAUGHT WITH HIS PANTS DOWN....
THE FORWARD FILEThanks Dave Shuck for this linkie!
Hearing Impaired Man Tased by PoliceDonnell Williams had just gotten out of the bath tub, wearing only a towel around his waist, when he turned the corner to see guns pointing right at him.
"I ain't never been so scared," says Williams.
Police forced entry into Williams home while responding to a shooting, but it turned out to be a false call. They had no idea at the time the call wasn't real and that Williams is hearing impaired. Without his hearing aid he is basically deaf.
"I kept going to my ear yelling that I was scared. I can't hear! I can't hear!"
Officers were worried about their own safety because at the time it appeared Williams was refusing to obey their commands to show his hands. That's when they shot him with a Taser.
Deputy Chief Robert Lee of the Wichita Police Department says, "This one occurred on the worst of calls, that being a shooting. The first few minutes getting control of the scene are very, very important."
Once the facts were all sorted out, officers repeatedly apologized to Williams. Police wish it never happened, but with the information they had at the time, their choices were limited.
"Do I wish there would have been some way they were notified in advance this gentleman was hearing impaired? I certainly do. No one is happy with the way it worked out," says Lee.
Williams was not hurt in the incident. Police say the shooting call came from a cell phone but they still don't know who made it or why.
The case is being reviewed by the department.
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This guy needs a dog!!!! ~Tracy
The Good Old Days Remembered
THE FORWARD FILETHE YEAR 1907
This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. Statistics for the Year 1907 :
The average life expectancy in the U.S. Was 47 years old.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S Had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.
With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage in the U.S. Was 22 Cents per hour.
The average U.S. Worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist made $2,500 per year,
A veterinarian $1,500 per year,
And a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at HOME.
Ninety percent of all U.S. Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, using borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and
Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 U.S. Adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind
regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian o f health."
There were about 230 reported Murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!
Just Try to imagine....What it may be like....In another 100 years!
IT STAGGERS THE MIND!
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