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ZOMBIE DAY .... PART 2.... MORE COFFEE

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 18:52:38 GMT

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the dentist's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."
The man asks, "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."
The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to grip onto while I pull your tooth!"

What does a dentist do on a roller coaster?...He braces himself

What did the dentist see at the North Pole?...A molar bear

What was the dentist doing in Panama?...Looking for the Root Canal

Where does the dentist get his gas?...At the filling station

Mother: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?

Son: I don't know, the dentist kept it!

"I came in to make an appointment with the dentist." said the man to the receptionist.

"I'm sorry sir." she replied. "He's out right now, but..."

"Thank you." interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient.

…."When will he be out again?"

" Patient: Doctor, I am very nervous. You know, this is my first extraction.
Young dentist: Don’t worry, it's my first extraction too.

Patient to Dentist: "How much to get my teeth straightened?"
"Twenty thousand bucks" Patient heads for the door.

Dentist to patient: "Where are you going?"
"To a plastic surgeon to get my mouth bent."

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $200
Patient: $200 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly, if you like.

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie.

KIDS SAY TRUTH TO POWER

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 16:07:58 GMT

THANKS JULIE

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING :

Do NOT lose your grandkids in the Mall

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Crown Royal whiskey.... and women with big tits."

HOPE FOR '08

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 12:53:22 GMT

Colbert announces presidential pursuit

By JAKE COYLE, AP Entertainment Writer Today at 4:51 am

Stephen Colbert announced his candidacy for president on "The Colbert Report," tossing his satirical hat into the ring of an already crowded race.

"I shall seek the office of the President of the United States," announced Colbert on his Comedy Central show Tuesday, as red, white and blue balloons fell around him.

Colbert had recently satirized the coyness of would-be presidential candidates by refusing to disclose whether he would seek the country's highest office -- a refusal that often came without any prompting.

Shortly before making the announcement, Colbert appeared on "The Daily Show" (the show which spawned Colbert's spin-off) and played cagy, claiming he was only ready to consider a White House bid. He entered the studio set pulled by a bicycle pedaled by Uncle Sam and quickly pulled out a bale of hay and a bottle of beer to show that he was "an Average Joe."

Colbert said his final decision would be announced on a "more prestigious show," which turned out to be his own.

"After nearly 15 minutes of soul-searching, I have heard the call," said Colbert.

His recent best-seller, "I Am American (And So Can You!)" allowed him to mock the now-standard approach to a White House run, complete with a high-profile book tour.

Colbert said he planned to run in South Carolina, "and South Carolina alone." The state, one of the key early primaries, is also Colbert's native state. Earlier this week, South Carolina public television station ETV invited Colbert to announce his candidacy on its air.

Exactly how far the mock conservative pundit planned to stretch his impression of a presidential candidate wasn't clear. Colbert rarely breaks character on camera, including at his memorable speech at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner last year.

The Comedy Central host has often mobilized his fans ("Colbert Nation"), encouraging them to vote to have a Hungarian bridge named after him, for example, or to vandalize Wikipedia.com with his version of "truthiness" and "wikiality."

The comedian said he would run as both a Democrat and Republican. He earlier explained the strategy: "I can lose twice." He claimed three running mate possibilities: Colbert-Huckabee, Colbert-Putin or Colbert-Colbert.

Minutes after announcing his presidential pursuit, Colbert welcomed CBS political analyst Jeff Greenfield to ask how he had changed the race.

"This is going to be one for the books," said Greenfield.

A spokesman for Colbert said he would be unavailable for further comment Tuesday evening.

In a guest column for Maureen Dowd in Sunday's New York Times, Colbert wrote: "I am not ready to announce yet -- even though it's clear that the voters are desperate for a white, male, middle-aged, Jesus-trumpeting alternative."

OKIE WISDOM

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 10:11:30 GMT

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest of us have to pee on the electric fence and find out for ourselves.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

JULIE STRIKES AGAIN

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 09:41:31 GMT

Editor's note: I removed all reference to cats, as I'm prejudice that way. Dogs RULE. Cats puke fur. HA!

MEMO TO: ALL DOGS

Dear Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible, I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...

Rules for Non-Dog Owners Who visit and Like to Complain about Our Dogs:

They live here. You don't.

If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.

To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

JULIE'S LIST

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 15:27:46 GMT

1.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, EVER, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

K.C. TERRORIST SCARE !

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 19:03:02 GMT

A BIG THANKS TO RM FOR THE NEWS TIP....

Hope you're doing well Bob!

Breaking News From Kansas City Chiefs

NEWS BRIEF:

Kansas City Chiefs' football practice was delayed nearly 2 hours after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Herm Edwards immediately suspended practice while Kansas City police and federal investigators were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line.

Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season.

HOW "FORWARDING" CHANGED MY LIFE

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 09:36:51 GMT

Since I always do what I'm told by my friends, this is how my life has changed:

I have to scrub the top of every can I open.
I don't have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
In fact I don't have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I don't have to worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers get answered only if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on the cans. Also, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I don't use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore since it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with an infected needle.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support American troops or the Salvation Army.
I don't answer the phone anymore because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I don't have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my ass.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I find in a parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can't drive my car anywhere now because we're no longer supposed to buy gas from any gas stations.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM today, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

So why do I put up with this cantankerous technological beast? I guess the answer is because it connects me with good folks like you, which sure beats being lonely!

Have a wonderful day!

Thanks to my Auntie Zee for forwarding this to me!

AUGUST ANNOTATED THERMOMETER

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 14:10:20 GMT

NORTH AMERICAN VERSION - FARENHEIT

40 Siberians melt.
50 Scandinavians sweat.
70 Alaskans declare record heatwave. Californians rise from hibernation.
80 Canadians turn on the air conditioning full blast. Arizona residents stop shivering.
90 Death Valley residents awaken. Scandinavians go underground.
100 British start sacrificing goats to make the sun go away. Californians finally turn off the heaters.
105 Texans drink coffee. Alaskans melt.
110 Arabians awaken and thaw. Canadians weep. New Yorkers burst open street fire hydrants.
120 Australians notice the sun is out. All Europeans and Canadians spontaneously combust.
130 Too hot to think. Texans and Californians undo top button. Antarctica is gone, polar bears extinct.
150 Miami residents put on sunglasses. Texans turn on the fan.
200 Arizona children amuse themselves by dropping eggs on sidewalk and giggle while they fry.
212 Water Boils. Death Valley residents put on deodorant.
327 Lead Boils. KANSANS notice it is warm out.
345 Saharans comment that the sand is a little stingy today.
400 Camels die.
2000 Nuclear blast nominal yield.

MORE 'GROANERS'

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 18:19:20 GMT

There were 3 strings walking down the street and they decided they wanted to go have a beer. The first string went in and the waiter looked at him and said "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings in here. Are you a string?" and the string said "yes" so the waiter said "I'm sorry. You'll have to leave."

The second string came in and the waiter looked at him and said "Hey, aren't you the same string that I just threw out?" and the string said "No, that was my friend." The waiter said "I'm sorry. We don't serve strings, get out."

By this time the three strings were hot, tired and thirsty. The third string was getting angry and told the others, "I'll get us a beer, just watch." So he tied himself in a knot and frayed the ends. He walked into the restaraunt and the waiter looked him up and down and said "Aren't you just another damn piece of string?" and the string said,

"No, damnit, I'm a frayed knot!"

FOREIGN EXCHANGE

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 12:27:33 GMT

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the local bank.

Cool. A short line, only one lady at the counter.

I step up behind her, a small, older Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. I couldn’t help overhearing the conversation, and the lady’s irritation.

She asks the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunnet dolla fo yen.

Today I get one hunnet eighty fie dolla. Why it change? Why it change?"

The unconcerned teller shrugs his shoulders and replies, "Fluctuations"

At this the little lady immediately shows her middle finger to him and says,

"Fluc you white peoples too!!!!"

VENUS AND MARS

Wed, 16 May 2007 10:38:50 GMT

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN WOMEN AND MEN

NAMES:

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch,

they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out,

they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT:

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,

even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. He never uses all five in the same session.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats. Men love dogs.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals, maybe.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night. (Refer to the 337 items from above)

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

AND FINALLY....

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the husband replied, 'in-laws.'

PLEASE ADD YOUR OWN ITEMS TO THIS LIST!!

THINGS YOU WON'T READ ON OTHER BLOGS

Wed, 09 May 2007 09:56:50 GMT

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were
quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all..

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
here?"

ANYBODY REMEMBER PAT'S MEMORY PILLS?

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 14:20:16 GMT

Still Waiting for Answers

Surely no one beyond a handful of the most self-deluded Republicans in Congress was surprised at the disclosure by George Tenet, the former intelligence director, that there was never a serious debate in the Bush administration about whether Iraq actually posed a threat to the United States.

It has long been evident that President Bush decided to invade Iraq first, and constructed his ramshackle case for the war after the fact. So why, after all this time, are Americans still in the dark about the details of that campaign?

For that matter, why don’t Americans know the full truth about Mr. Bush’s illegal domestic spying program or his decisions on how to handle prisoners of the war on terror? And now there are new questions begging for answers — about the purge of United States attorneys and about campaign pep rallies in executive branch agencies that might well have violated federal law.

For six years, the Republican majority in Congress ignored the administration’s power grabs, misdeeds and incompetence or, worse, pushed through laws that gave legislative cover to some of Mr. Bush’s most outrageous abuses of power. Now that the Democrats control Congress, they have opened the doors of government in welcome ways. But the list of questions just seems to grow.

We hope Representative Henry Waxman, chairman of the Oversight and Government Reform Committee, enforces the subpoena of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to discuss prewar claims about Saddam Hussein’s long-gone weapons programs. Ms. Rice, who was national security adviser before the war, says she has answered every possible question. Actually, we don’t have room for all our questions.

Just a few: Did she vet the briefing Mr. Bush got from Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s rogue intelligence shop on Iraq’s alleged efforts to acquire uranium? The Central Intelligence Agency and the State Department thought, correctly, that the report was false. So why did Ms. Rice permit the president to repeat it to the world? Or did Mr. Bush also know what he was claiming was wrong?

The same applies to other claims about Iraq, including a false report about the purchase of aluminum tubes for bomb building, talk of mushroom clouds and fairy tales about links between Iraq and Al Qaeda. When it became clear the intelligence was false, why didn’t Ms. Rice make sure the public found out? Before the war, Ms. Rice was not in a post requiring Senate confirmation, but she is now. If she refuses to testify, the House should hold her in contempt.

It is imperative for Senator John Rockefeller, chairman of the Intelligence Committee, to finish two remaining studies on prewar intelligence that his Republican predecessor, Senator Pat Roberts, had no intention of completing. The first, on the errors made by the intelligence agencies in predicting what would happen after the invasion of Iraq, is expected to be finished next month. The final piece of the report will compare what administration officials said about Iraq with the actual information they had. Both reports are essential for understanding how this country got into this mess. Mr. Rockefeller will have to make sure the White House does not drag out the declassification procedure.

And then there are the questions about the purge of federal prosecutors. There is mounting evidence that many of the eight fired United States attorneys were punished for refusing to prosecute Democrats on phony election-fraud charges. Who ran this purge? And is it true, as it now seems, that others were rewarded for bringing weak corruption cases timed to close races?

For the last six years, the White House has also conducted seminars in each election cycle that certainly seem like an effort to use government agencies to help G.O.P. candidates. Did they violate the law that forbids the use of federal offices for campaigning?

Karl Rove, Mr. Bush’s political “architect,” is at the center of both of these scandals. Congress needs to issue, and enforce, subpoenas to compel him and other top White House officials to testify.

Mr. Bush’s supporters are already arguing that Congress’s much-needed investigations are politically motivated and backward looking. Actually, the baldly political act was the Republicans’ refusing to do their constitutional duty of oversight for the last six years. Mr. Waxman said his panel issued four subpoenas to the Bush administration under Republican leadership. The same leadership issued more than 1,000 subpoenas to the Clinton administration.

As for looking back, Mr. Bush has hardly given up the habit of stonewalling Congress, or shown that he has learned the limits of his power. The war in Iraq not only continues, but Mr. Bush is escalating it and repeating many of the same myths about Saddam Hussein. The country does not need any more myths. It needs answers.